~::Pennies of Thought::~

The first day

It has almost been one whole day since Chiefy passed away. Skipped out on work today and just slept. I know the only way I'll ever see him again is through my dreams. And yet I haven't dreamt about him at all.

I would wake up, and for that one moment right when my eyes open, I forget he's gone. And then everything would come right back to me...I'd begin to cry uncontrollably...and I go back to sleep. I had all my meals though. I got up from bed, walked downstairs, made some food, and brought it back upstairs. I sat there in front of the TV and I ate...just one bite after the other. And then the tears would come back and I'd put it aside and go back to sleep.

I've never really had a family, at least never felt the connection. I could never talk to them because they would never understand. Even when they think they understand, they ignore it with their own thoughts. For the last 14 years, Chiefy has been the only thing I held on to. I remember this once...a long time ago, when I realized that my family had deserted me emotionally-and I felt so alone in this world...I sat on the floor of my room near the closet door weeping. Chief heard me and poked his head through the door. He just looked at me...and I stretched my arms out towards him and he just walked into my room. He came over to me and just sat there in front of me. And he looked at me. I could not believe it, but he did. I...knew...he somehow understood my lonliness. He just....sat there...and then fell asleep right at my feet. So laid down next to him, and fell asleep hugging him. It feels like yesterday now.

Oh yeah, I also cleaned out everything of his when I got back from the hospital- his mats, winter clothes, leash, water plate, food plate... He is........was.......MY baby. My mom was so upset at the hospital she wouldn't even speak to the doctor. She told me I had to make the decision. So I did. The doc told me that he didn't have cancer or any knd of disease. But he had some kind of an opening in his esophagus that allowed some air to leak...and if it spread to his shoulders, he would die instantly. Then she said a whole bunch medical choices...but I knew, and she confirmed it, even if they were to perform surgery on him...he might never recover. And that was it. She asked me if I wanted to see him again before.....

I did. How could I not? I didn't even say goodbye to him. He must have felt so scared, but the Doc said most likely he's not even mentally aware of things anymore. But...I saw him. They rolled him in one last tme. All I could think of was, Chief's waiting for my dad. He hasn't seen my dad in months...he wants to see him before he goes. But we all knew it would be impossible. So I said goodbye. I hugged him. Kissed him on his nose. And I left.

God, it's so quiet here. God, what if he wasn't ready to go? What if he thought he was coming home with me? What if he thought I left him there, alone? God, I'll never see him wag his tail when I come home...or scratch his ears...or get his white fur all over my clothes when he crashes into you for attention....or....God, I can't breathe.

God, I fucking hate you.

posted by Claire @ 10:48 PM