~::Pennies of Thought::~

A better place

So my father arrived back home from China yesterday. It was nice to see him again...but it was quite depressing as well. For the first time since I can remember, he came home and chief wasn't here to greet him. Chiefy loved my dad more than anything...as he was the one that chose him from a pack of identical dogs in a backyard somewhere in Texas...and brought him home to us. Chiefy was always so excited the day dad comes home...him more than anyone in this family. We'd ask him "where's Haijing?" and he'd tilt his head to one side and then the other...and he's know...today is the day dad is coming home from traveling. And for the rest of the day, he's wait by the door or stare at the door with ears perked...waiting to hear the keys jingle or footsteps from the elevator.

He would get so excited, he'd run down the hallway when we let him out...and completely jump on my dad and knock him backwards. However yesterday, when my dad got home...there was no doggie. My dad even remarked how quiet the house is now...and big is seems now that all of chiefy's things have been removed.

I have been fine for the past week..forcing myself to think of anything but Chiefy...but last night, as I tried to go to sleep...a wave of utter sadness came upon me. Chiefy didn't make it to see my dad come home one last time. I sometimes wonder, if he had been able to wait...would the excitement and happiness of seeing my dad after 6 months revive his body's energy...would he have lived longer had my dad gotten home sooner? I know Chiefy was waiting to see my dad again before he left this place. And he didn't get that chance.

I can't seem to shake off this emptiness now. It's so real. I just have to keep repeating to myself that he's gone to a better place. A Better place.

You know? I had a dream last week...on my birthday...where Chiefy came back from the hospital all well and jumping around again. I was so happy and thankful that he made it through. And i started playing around...chasing after him...tugging the pillow from his mouth. I didn't want to wake up. However, the saddest dream was the following night. I was once again playing with Chiefy and he was soooo excited about playing...and my mother was calling out to me about being late for something. And I can't remember how I knew...but I just knew even when I was smiling and having a blast with Chiefy...I knew it wasn't real. The only thing I said during this whole dream was,"I know this is just a dream...please...just give me a little more time."

I thought home life was depressing before...now it's become unbearable.

posted by Claire @ 10:03 AM