~::Pennies of Thought::~

March...whatever

Once again it seems like it has been a while since I've written here. I guess work- well, my previous work- had gotten a hold of my time and refused me refuge in it. I was up once again at the crack of dawn for the 4th day in a row with no hint of Sleep in the near minutes. I believe these nights of sleeplessness will follow me into the next few days. Another one of those...

These past few months have been especially hard for me. I have long believed that loss is a world that forces its recognition upon us. And once again I have been visited by it. It does not negotiate nor does it plan. Everything and everyone it has taken from me has been unexpected and forced. Grief is a ghost that haunts us. A familiar gesture, hairdo, phrase, place...scent. Losing someone you love means losing a world you once lived in. And you will spend years- a lifetime- finding a new home to call yours. These waking nights are usually a precursor to even harder nights ahead. I know I need help...but I also believe it is all in my head. If I believe I don't need you, will I eventually be OK?

I got into another one of those stupid discussions on religion yesterday. I was told my atheist nature doesn't allow me to believe in the better of people. I am cynical about much of life not because I don't believe in the existence of a higher being. I am cynical because everytime I do chose to believe, I am disappointed. I never impose my belief on others and yet, I am constantly criticized for not being who they are. All atheists believe in a god. The god that they deny exist. I am not atheist because I do not want to believe...but because I am not strong enough.

...B...I don't even know where you are buried...

posted by Claire @ 4:36 PM