~::Pennies of Thought::~

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

heehee

wow...is this really my blog site? been so long man!!! hello bloggy...long time no see!

Thursday, April 19, 2007

The inside that is out...

I have always believed that what is yours will always be yours. And on the flipside, no matter how hard you try to grasp at it, what isn't meant to be...just isn't. However, I have also come to realize life's sweet surprises only come to those who aren't waiting for them to happen. Now these two new mottos in my life are at battle.

I see it happening when I stand very still. I can hear them arguing to the point that these "voices" in my head have become people I spend my days with. They even have names: Veggies and Chocolate. I admit, I have been experimenting with the idea of relationships. Even to the point that I signed up for some damn speed dating thing. I'm not sure where that impulse came from, I just knew that it was time to just jump on that horse and hold on for dear life. If I didn't have an uncontrollable fear of drowning, I would jump into a pool and pray to the heavens I float.

Sigh*

My stillness has brought many beautiful people into my life, and many more that have disappeared. Some have gotten married and now spend their days chasing after their kids. Some have taken off to parts of this world I have only dared to dream of exploring. And then there are those that I see when I look to my side. We're all waiting I guess, for some bus to come and take us to our final destination. Perhaps, I'm just getting tired of waiting for the bus here.

I'm sure I can catch it at the next stop...right?

Round one winner: Chocolate.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Confused

A funny thing happened to me last week. I was walking out of the elevator when an annoying woman who was screaming into her cell phone decided to shove her way past me. She shoved the gentleman behind me so hard he knocked right into me and my left heel. It was then I experienced an incredibly “pause-worthy” moment. You know, those moments where if your life were a movie, they’d allow it to run once, pause-rewind and show it again—this time in slow motion. Yes, I went falling forward on my face. BUT--don’t you just love these buts?—the man behind me actually grabbed onto my purse and part of my jacket. A knight in a shining suit. We both chatted it up for a second regarding that *^@#( woman who knocked us down and didn’t even bother to apologize. Here comes the kicker. As I thank him again and turn to leave, he calls out, “Hey! Can I get your number?”

::Stunned::

It wasn’t so much because a complete stranger just asked me out. Or how unexpected that was. I was stunned because I felt nothing. When our eyes initially met entering the elevator, exchanging a moment of annoyance with the *^$* woman, to our final trading- I felt nothing. Not even a spark or flutter of possibility. And yet standing before me was a man who obviously thought otherwise. Did I miss the memo? What is happening to me?

Friday, March 16, 2007

Snowy day in March

So it's raining snow. Yes...raining snow. And it was just yesterday that we saw 70 degrees with clear blue skies. Something is seriously wrong with this planet. I'm going to go out of my sphere of comfort and bet we will see continuous days of 115 degrees come July. Hehe, I really do hope I am wrong.

Not much going on lately. Been really busy writing and writing and reading up on different things. Mortgage (new job!), missing children in Guiliani's family campaign photos, and reading up on all the failed attempts by the Democratic party to come up with a conclusive solution that doesn't sound like they were high off of funky mushrooms. I have always believed if this world would just be more tolerant of each other and learn forgiveness, peace would be inevitable.

Friday, March 02, 2007

March...whatever

Once again it seems like it has been a while since I've written here. I guess work- well, my previous work- had gotten a hold of my time and refused me refuge in it. I was up once again at the crack of dawn for the 4th day in a row with no hint of Sleep in the near minutes. I believe these nights of sleeplessness will follow me into the next few days. Another one of those...

These past few months have been especially hard for me. I have long believed that loss is a world that forces its recognition upon us. And once again I have been visited by it. It does not negotiate nor does it plan. Everything and everyone it has taken from me has been unexpected and forced. Grief is a ghost that haunts us. A familiar gesture, hairdo, phrase, place...scent. Losing someone you love means losing a world you once lived in. And you will spend years- a lifetime- finding a new home to call yours. These waking nights are usually a precursor to even harder nights ahead. I know I need help...but I also believe it is all in my head. If I believe I don't need you, will I eventually be OK?

I got into another one of those stupid discussions on religion yesterday. I was told my atheist nature doesn't allow me to believe in the better of people. I am cynical about much of life not because I don't believe in the existence of a higher being. I am cynical because everytime I do chose to believe, I am disappointed. I never impose my belief on others and yet, I am constantly criticized for not being who they are. All atheists believe in a god. The god that they deny exist. I am not atheist because I do not want to believe...but because I am not strong enough.

...B...I don't even know where you are buried...

Monday, October 23, 2006

A better place

So my father arrived back home from China yesterday. It was nice to see him again...but it was quite depressing as well. For the first time since I can remember, he came home and chief wasn't here to greet him. Chiefy loved my dad more than anything...as he was the one that chose him from a pack of identical dogs in a backyard somewhere in Texas...and brought him home to us. Chiefy was always so excited the day dad comes home...him more than anyone in this family. We'd ask him "where's Haijing?" and he'd tilt his head to one side and then the other...and he's know...today is the day dad is coming home from traveling. And for the rest of the day, he's wait by the door or stare at the door with ears perked...waiting to hear the keys jingle or footsteps from the elevator.

He would get so excited, he'd run down the hallway when we let him out...and completely jump on my dad and knock him backwards. However yesterday, when my dad got home...there was no doggie. My dad even remarked how quiet the house is now...and big is seems now that all of chiefy's things have been removed.

I have been fine for the past week..forcing myself to think of anything but Chiefy...but last night, as I tried to go to sleep...a wave of utter sadness came upon me. Chiefy didn't make it to see my dad come home one last time. I sometimes wonder, if he had been able to wait...would the excitement and happiness of seeing my dad after 6 months revive his body's energy...would he have lived longer had my dad gotten home sooner? I know Chiefy was waiting to see my dad again before he left this place. And he didn't get that chance.

I can't seem to shake off this emptiness now. It's so real. I just have to keep repeating to myself that he's gone to a better place. A Better place.

You know? I had a dream last week...on my birthday...where Chiefy came back from the hospital all well and jumping around again. I was so happy and thankful that he made it through. And i started playing around...chasing after him...tugging the pillow from his mouth. I didn't want to wake up. However, the saddest dream was the following night. I was once again playing with Chiefy and he was soooo excited about playing...and my mother was calling out to me about being late for something. And I can't remember how I knew...but I just knew even when I was smiling and having a blast with Chiefy...I knew it wasn't real. The only thing I said during this whole dream was,"I know this is just a dream...please...just give me a little more time."

I thought home life was depressing before...now it's become unbearable.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Bored out of my mind at work right now. I was forced to go do another inspection today...totally against policy especially when the client knows the appraiser isn't doing her job. I went because I seriously did not want to call the owner again and apologize for my completely irresponsible boss. She already cancelled on him twice. And I had to bear the brunt of his anger...both times. So for the fairness of the client, I went.

Aside from that little detour off my normal..routine...day, I've just been sitting here and writing reports. I just can't write another word without causing severe damage to my brain cells. I'm in need of a major break.

Oh yeah, Judi and I are getting closer to attaching some important information together in regards to our TV series. We just need to finalize some main plots and character backgrounds before we dive further into the breakdown of story into episodes. We're aiming to complete the pilot episode over our christmas break and into the first two weeks of 2007. Hopefully everything goes according to plan.

Then it's off to the pitch. **cross fingers**