A better place
So my father arrived back home from China yesterday. It was nice to see him again...but it was quite depressing as well. For the first time since I can remember, he came home and chief wasn't here to greet him. Chiefy loved my dad more than anything...as he was the one that chose him from a pack of identical dogs in a backyard somewhere in Texas...and brought him home to us. Chiefy was always so excited the day dad comes home...him more than anyone in this family. We'd ask him "where's Haijing?" and he'd tilt his head to one side and then the other...and he's know...today is the day dad is coming home from traveling. And for the rest of the day, he's wait by the door or stare at the door with ears perked...waiting to hear the keys jingle or footsteps from the elevator.
He would get so excited, he'd run down the hallway when we let him out...and completely jump on my dad and knock him backwards. However yesterday, when my dad got home...there was no doggie. My dad even remarked how quiet the house is now...and big is seems now that all of chiefy's things have been removed.
I have been fine for the past week..forcing myself to think of anything but Chiefy...but last night, as I tried to go to sleep...a wave of utter sadness came upon me. Chiefy didn't make it to see my dad come home one last time. I sometimes wonder, if he had been able to wait...would the excitement and happiness of seeing my dad after 6 months revive his body's energy...would he have lived longer had my dad gotten home sooner? I know Chiefy was waiting to see my dad again before he left this place. And he didn't get that chance.
I can't seem to shake off this emptiness now. It's so real. I just have to keep repeating to myself that he's gone to a better place. A Better place.
You know? I had a dream last week...on my birthday...where Chiefy came back from the hospital all well and jumping around again. I was so happy and thankful that he made it through. And i started playing around...chasing after him...tugging the pillow from his mouth. I didn't want to wake up. However, the saddest dream was the following night. I was once again playing with Chiefy and he was soooo excited about playing...and my mother was calling out to me about being late for something. And I can't remember how I knew...but I just knew even when I was smiling and having a blast with Chiefy...I knew it wasn't real. The only thing I said during this whole dream was,"I know this is just a dream...please...just give me a little more time."
I thought home life was depressing before...now it's become unbearable.
Bored out of my mind at work right now. I was forced to go do another inspection today...totally against policy especially when the client knows the appraiser isn't doing her job. I went because I seriously did not want to call the owner again and apologize for my completely irresponsible boss. She already cancelled on him twice. And I had to bear the brunt of his anger...both times. So for the fairness of the client, I went.
Aside from that little detour off my normal..routine...day, I've just been sitting here and writing reports. I just can't write another word without causing severe damage to my brain cells. I'm in need of a major break.
Oh yeah, Judi and I are getting closer to attaching some important information together in regards to our TV series. We just need to finalize some main plots and character backgrounds before we dive further into the breakdown of story into episodes. We're aiming to complete the pilot episode over our christmas break and into the first two weeks of 2007. Hopefully everything goes according to plan.
Then it's off to the pitch. **cross fingers**
Positivity
Watched Heroes last night. This series is getting really good...well...I am a huge scifi/supernatural freak...so this one is right up my alley. They I tuned into The Daily Show to get me weekly dose of Jon Stewart. About half way through the show I actually heard my phone ring and I saw that it was Ang. VERY interesting.
She was driving past NYC on her way to Penn for the week and wanted to stop by my place. Of course, how could I resist such an unexpected visit. The 2nd one of this week!! Just the night before, my best sweeties (college suite-mates) came to see if I was ok. I love them all dearly!! We went out to eat sushi and then made caramel to dip the apples Sam brought back from apple-picking with Brian. How fabulous!!
Well, Ang and I went to grab a drink at this cute little pub place in Flushing. After much catching up and such...I realized how far we've all grown apart from each other. We live such different lives and even our thoughts on issues at large have become as far apart.
It was sad. And disappointing. Disappointing that life can force people that use to be such great friends to realize they really have nothing in common anymore. Oh well. Maybe I'll get to know this new Ang and we'll be as great friends as before!
Gotta keep positive, right? I mean, what else is there to hold onto in this world?
One second please.
Bored.
I'm sitting at home...downloading a lot of music and drowning myself in it. Was up until around 6 this morning...couldn't sleep I guess. I must say, with all these new albums and singles...I was only impressed with Rain's 4th korean album. It is really really good. So I fell alseep last night, or should I say this morning, to his new songs on replay. I even got a chance to download his showcase concert in preparation for his world tour kick-off in Las Vegas this December (I already have my tickets!). It was very very impressive and i'm looking forward to seeing all this live.
Nothing else is new. My home is very quiet. It's like death is taking a pit-stop in my livingroom downstairs. When I come downstairs, it's like a cloud of depression descends on me. So I try not to stay there for more than a moment.
Oh yeah. I went outside...just to shop around and see if this money-spending euphoria would cure me. I got really really-soft-fuzzy-winter-comfy socks. You know, the kind you wear around the house in lieu of fuzzy slippers. Totally rocked my world for a second. Oh well. A second is a start right?
Made it through the first day at work. Broke down a couple of times in the bathroom. I've lost control of it all.
I made it home though. In the elevator...all I could see what Chiefy on his leash...eager to get out so he can take care of business outside. Getting off of the elevator and walking down the hall to my door...I can see him running alongside me eager to go home after a long walk to drink water. I got to my door...and I just stood there....staring at the door to my home. I knew....there was no ears tucked behind....no tail wagging...no white-fur-all-over-black-pants...nothing...behind that door. And for the first time in 14 years, I came to what I call home...with no one waiting behind it. I couldn't go in. I couldn't bear to look at the empty space that use to be his bed. I couldn't look at the empty space on hook-rack that his leash use to occupy. I couldn't believe all of this could disappear so quickly.
I miss him so...so much.
The first day
It has almost been one whole day since Chiefy passed away. Skipped out on work today and just slept. I know the only way I'll ever see him again is through my dreams. And yet I haven't dreamt about him at all.
I would wake up, and for that one moment right when my eyes open, I forget he's gone. And then everything would come right back to me...I'd begin to cry uncontrollably...and I go back to sleep. I had all my meals though. I got up from bed, walked downstairs, made some food, and brought it back upstairs. I sat there in front of the TV and I ate...just one bite after the other. And then the tears would come back and I'd put it aside and go back to sleep.
I've never really had a family, at least never felt the connection. I could never talk to them because they would never understand. Even when they think they understand, they ignore it with their own thoughts. For the last 14 years, Chiefy has been the only thing I held on to. I remember this once...a long time ago, when I realized that my family had deserted me emotionally-and I felt so alone in this world...I sat on the floor of my room near the closet door weeping. Chief heard me and poked his head through the door. He just looked at me...and I stretched my arms out towards him and he just walked into my room. He came over to me and just sat there in front of me. And he looked at me. I could not believe it, but he did. I...knew...he somehow understood my lonliness. He just....sat there...and then fell asleep right at my feet. So laid down next to him, and fell asleep hugging him. It feels like yesterday now.
Oh yeah, I also cleaned out everything of his when I got back from the hospital- his mats, winter clothes, leash, water plate, food plate... He is........was.......MY baby. My mom was so upset at the hospital she wouldn't even speak to the doctor. She told me I had to make the decision. So I did. The doc told me that he didn't have cancer or any knd of disease. But he had some kind of an opening in his esophagus that allowed some air to leak...and if it spread to his shoulders, he would die instantly. Then she said a whole bunch medical choices...but I knew, and she confirmed it, even if they were to perform surgery on him...he might never recover. And that was it. She asked me if I wanted to see him again before.....
I did. How could I not? I didn't even say goodbye to him. He must have felt so scared, but the Doc said most likely he's not even mentally aware of things anymore. But...I saw him. They rolled him in one last tme. All I could think of was, Chief's waiting for my dad. He hasn't seen my dad in months...he wants to see him before he goes. But we all knew it would be impossible. So I said goodbye. I hugged him. Kissed him on his nose. And I left.
God, it's so quiet here. God, what if he wasn't ready to go? What if he thought he was coming home with me? What if he thought I left him there, alone? God, I'll never see him wag his tail when I come home...or scratch his ears...or get his white fur all over my clothes when he crashes into you for attention....or....God, I can't breathe.
God, I fucking hate you.
Today is October 11, 2006
After 14 years by my side, Chiefy has left this world today at 12:05am.
Am I still breathing?
...and...
They say it isn't until you are about to lose someone dear to you that you start believing in God, or some form of god. To me, death has only left more questions for me to ask, and more answers I will never hear. I question the pain one feels before it's over. I question if we all know the moment when it is all over and how much our own will has to do with it all. When do we know it's over and where we will go afterwards. And I question why death is so...ugly...if there is such a beautiful place to go to.
I've never believed in gods of any kind...but if I ever had a doubt about his/her/their existence, death has proved to me there is no existence of any higher being with sympathy, compassion and love. They say pain is God's test of our faith in Him. Then was Hitler an angel god sent to test the faith of jews...and Pol Pot for the Cambodians. Gods do not test our faith with pain. If they even exist, they are helpless to stop it. They can only watch as people kill each other and themselves...destroy the land...and live in hell.
If there is a god, this world would not be so ugly.
Hell's Lawyers
As I was saying, my dog has been hit with some kind of stomach flu or virus or something...he's been crapping arounf the clock and I have been his Crap O'Toilet Cleaner for the past two days. I called the Vet today because it's been way to long for anything simple. So I take him through the gates of Hell and finally arrive at entrance to the Hospital. And the first torturous punishment begins: the wait. After 30 minutes of waiting in an empty room, the "nurse" comes in and tells us to go to the 2nd room- and the waiting continues for another 30 minutes.
Finally the Doc comes in administers the 2nd punishment- molestation. He pokes and prods and then feels up my dogs manhood...and to add pain to insult, he sticks a thermometer up my baby's butthole. After all this, he tells us he needs an x-ray, blood test, yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda...yadda. We wait another hour. The results are back. Blood test all normal, slighty high white cell count..everything seems ok...but wait...look at this part of the xray...yup...it looks like it...he seems to have something here [finger points to some weird circle shadow] that's enlarged....yeah...it could be prostate problems...most likely cancer.
[Doc pauses...and looks at me]
Trust me when I tell you, the only thing I thought about at the moment was to take that stupid pencil tucked behind his ears and draw Satan's horns on the xray and then stick the pencil up his own ass to see what his fucking temperature is. Most likely seeing the fire coming out of my eyes and steam coming out of my ears, he quickly adds the fact he's not positive. Says his xrays cannot be conclusive since it only provides shadows of organs...so my doggie needs a ultrasound.
Now, I might just take that pencil, break it in half, and crazy-glue them on opposite sides of his head because HE's satan. Might as well look like it. Face it, hospitals are the bargain tables for Hell. You walk in there thinking it is a winning battle, and you walk out of it deflated, defeated and mostly dead in the inside.
So I take his results, medicine for his diarrhea, pay up for Satan's magical work, and walk my dog home. Now I will spend the rest of this lovely lovely festive weekend forgetting everything that just happened. Afterall, denial is the work of angels.
Consciousness
My dog is having another one of his antique-age driven tummy flu. He's been doing his thing all day in intervals of about an hour and I am there, cleaning up after him. These days are my constant reminder of his impending departure. I've had him since I was 8 so this is a very depressing thought. I don't have much of a family and he's pretty much the only one I can actually spend more than 30 minutes in a room alone without staring at really sharp knife. I was suppose to be apple picking...but that got trashed when one of our group of four cancelled. It was suppose to be a college "sweetie" outting. How fabulous.
I then attempted to seduce my mind with lovely thoughts of a long weekend ahead in order to get some productive writing done. Even my mother went out shopping for the whole day, leaving me in such a blissful solitude I could cry about it. BBUUUUTTT nevertheless, my mind took on a life of its own and wandered away from me. So...I cooked. One of my best friends came over to join me in my resemblance of a life and we ate the dishes I made, then watched South Park for the rest of the night. Mindless. Fucking. Entertainment.
Today's suppose to be the Moon Festival for us Chinese peeps. I love festivities. It always makes death seem so much more peaceful, serene, and full of rainbow colored M&Ms. This festival, in specific, is suppose to be about family...the unity and love of it. My family consists of two humans and a K9. My father is never here and my mother is here too much...and the K9 is shitting on autopilot. Remind me why I even bother to care every year. Oh wait...I don't, nevermind.
Ok. I'm getting a little depressing here. Talk to me when this bundle of happy festivities are over. Trust me, I'm much more pleasant when I'm not obligated to examine my own happiness.
Ever after.
So I sit and write.
Not about anything important, or about the meaningless of things, but just jotting wild ideas on paper...giving them some form...however plain or plane it is. I lack something. I'm not quite sure what it is. Perhaps i'm too uncaring...brought on by 10 years and 10 and almost 3 more of pure solitude. You can think you have found someone who will stick with you to the end...but time will strip that away. You can buy property worth your fortune and invest your life in your business...but one day you will wake up, no matter how in love or out of love you are, and realize you are alone.
I enjoy that now. But I do fear the day I wake up and realize i do not anymore. And that scares even the most secure me of my dreams. And I begin to doubt.
Hi, I'm Stan!
So i've posted the result of my south park personality quiz on my blog...i'm Stan...just like everyone says. Pretty cute thing comedy central did. As for the actual SP episode itself, i thought it was genius yet again. Halariously genius. I mean...could anyone keep a straight face after hearing Cartman say "Are you french? voulez-vous couchez avec moi?"
And of course I watched the season premiere of Lost...am totally lost but totally loving it...weird huh?
Damn, sorry...I'm procrastinating...I just can't think of my next scene to write.
Complexity or Pride
Multicolored and weeping willow moves
A romantic kiss following the withered lily
Complexity or pride, you ask me
Only a prophetic dream, I answer
slightly curved and dying
we each meet ourselves
